Today really got away from me.  I look back on today and I cannot figure out what I did, before I knew it it was 11pm and I haven’t checked anything off of my to do list.  I did some work, made phone calls, sent some emails and worked on the website.  I then found out that the boiler in the church where I work has stopped working – again.  I have stressed about that damn boiler more than just about anything lately.  So I am calling around asking people to step into the church to check on things, wondering if the pipes are going to freeze and burst before any measures can be taken and wondering if I should drive the hour out there to do, something.  I work part-time, and on Wednesday I worked from home because the weather was kind of bad.  I had that scare a couple of weeks ago and now I genuinely worry about driving in bad conditions.  I never used to worry about it like this.  But of course, the Wednesday I don’t go in is the week that the boiler conks out.  It may have been working on Wednesday, but we can’t know that.  Anyway, nothing makes my stress go through the roof than trying to delegate responsibilities to volunteers who really don’t want to do them.  I don’t blame them, the weather is bad, dropping into the church to turn on the faucets is hardly glamours or fun. 

I really do carry around a lot of guilt when it comes to my job.  There is this not-so-tiny voice that is always telling me I should be doing more, that things would be better if I was more charismatic, or extroverted, or conventional.  It is idiotic of course, but it is a battle I am constantly fighting against myself. 

 So anyway, the new thing I did today was pretty silly, and I didn’t even finish it.  I painted seashells.  That is, I painted on seashells.  It counts, right?  I always wanted to paint on them, it seemed like it would be fun.  It was fun, I guess.

One side effect of trying to do something new every single day, is keeping track not only of my extreme laziness, but also my mood.  I can always recognize when my mental well-being takes a down turn, but I have never really kept track of it.  But I feel like this project is forcing me to notice my energy levels more than I would.

For anyone who doesn’t know, when I (and other people probably) talk about things like ‘mood’ or ‘mental well-being’ or ‘energy levels’ they are all just polite euphemisms for the effects of depression.  Anyway, I’m going to bed.